Magis Catholic

Indecisiveness is one of my major character flaws. I know this because of the many times that I have had difficulty on making even the smallest decisions like where to eat, which movie to watch, or which book to read. I make a choice, and then five seconds into it, I change my mind. Don’t even get me started on making plans because my mind would drift from one good option to another. I make future commitments and then I realize too late that it’s not for me. I would postpone. I would cancel on the last minute.

I used to think that maybe this is my way of refusing to grow up, because only true adults stick to their commitments. The other side of my brain wants to make the best possible choice so I labour over my decisions, and yet after I make them, I want to leave room for some form of spontaneity. I want to give myself enough breathing room to be able to change my mind. I want to make a good decision, but I also want to be able to step away from it at any point in time. It is not a very peaceful way to live. Not only does it consume a lot of time and energy that I could have productively invested somewhere else, it makes me feel bad about myself for not being brave enough to assume full responsibility for my words and actions. As you know by now, I’m still a work-in-progress on this area.

In 2018, I attended a silent retreat in Sacred Heart Retreat House in Novaliches. It was called the Spiritual Exercises, and a key part of that retreat involves discerning the will of God by reflecting on life events, examining desires, and asking God in prayer to reveal His plan. At the time, I realized that my fulfillment in my work primarily comes from being able to engage in meaningful connections with people. I knew that God gave me a gift for writing, and that it was something I wanted to give back to Him. Writing gives me great joy, and I can get lost in it for hours. I also had the desire to study psychology and pursue a career in teaching and training.

After that retreat, I applied for graduate school and moved jobs so I can be closer to the university. However, I was rejected because I wasn’t ready to give up my day job to immerse myself completely in this new field. They wanted my full commitment to make sure that I will finish the rigorous program. I had financial obligations at the time, so I couldn’t possibly give up my job. After that, I just focused on my work and I was highly involved in company activities. I started writing and going to the gym. A year passed and the pandemic started, and I had forgotten about going to graduate school. I filed it as something I would like to do someday.

But God was not done with me. Last October, I received a great job offer from a prestigious company. At the same time, I got in touch with my university professor and he was willing to help me with my graduate school application. He suggested that I pursue teaching while I work on my degree. I prayed to God that I could make a good decision. I chose to accept the job offer, but in my heart I knew that something was not quite right with me. I was uneasy. And though this is hard to admit, I lacked peace after making that decision. I felt that I was veering away from the path that God has already revealed to me. A few months pass by and I was becoming more anxious than before. I couldn’t focus at work. I felt confused and alone. I didn’t understand what was happening to me because I thought that I had made the right choice for myself and my family. I asked God again and again for clarity on His will and courage for me to be able to follow through on it.

The truth is, my heart was somewhere else. I reached out to my family and friends for advice. I opened up to my spiritual director about my situation and my desire. I focused on enduring patiently, while waiting to hear God’s guidance.  I knew that if I wanted to take up graduate studies in my university, I would need to do it full-time. I was scared to the bones with the idea of leaving the security of my job to pursue something new, but it was clear to me that God was calling me to make the jump. I asked God multiple times for confirmation, which He so generously gave me. He did not fail. He answered my prayers through different people and in various occasions.

God reassured me that He will never abandon where He leads. That this is His way of increasing my faith because He wants me to rely on Him for security and not on myself. He reassured me that His hand is on my life, that nothing is wasted on Him, that He can transform me into someone new. Through the priest’s reflection in the Sunday Mass, God reminded me that I should not pursue success for its own sake, but service in love that doesn’t expect anything back. That Christ should be the summit of everything I do in life, not status, nor material security, nor worldly success.  After receiving these messages, I didn’t rush into making my decision. I spent the holidays trying to piece it all together and open my heart to God.

Recently, I decided to leave my job and apply for graduate school again. I want to give it my full commitment this time. My indecisiveness melted into trust and surrender. I don’t know yet what is going to happen. I don’t know if I’ll get accepted into graduate school. What I know is that I feel at peace knowing that God is in control. I rest now knowing that I am following the vision that He gave me. If this is what God wants for me, then He will make it happen. The decision He asked of me was not complicated at all, it was just a matter of saying Yes.

How many times have I made a decision without considering what God thought about it? No wonder I was always second-guessing myself. I wasn’t offering it up to Him. I thought that I should be able to make my decisions according to my own judgment, and so God was nowhere near my old decision-making process. I thought that I was in control. It’s truly a blessing that God holds on to me so tightly. If there is something I learned from the past few years, it’s that God is faithful in His love and His promises. He is sovereign. He never fails, and I can lean on Him for everything.

One of my favorite lines in the Bible goes like this: “If today you hear His voice, harden not your hearts.” Another translation of this line from Hebrews 3:15 was so funny to me that I could never forget it: “If today you hear His voice, do not be stubborn.” I know how hardheaded I can be, but I’m sure that I am not alone in this. Sometimes, we tend to think that we know better than God which is why we resist Him and try to go our own way. We make our decisions without His blessing. I hope that maybe my story can give you some light on the truth that God brings order into our lives, if only we put Him in the center of it all. He is the ultimate aim and direction of all our choices.

And so when the day comes that He asks us to take a leap of faith for Him, we know what our answer will be. We’ll just say Yes.